Vice Clamps Aren't Dangerous?

I wanted to take this opportunity to explain the risks associated with putting your nuts in a vice clamp. There are far too many young Americans who foolishly partake in this atrocious behavior without knowing the facts.

Here are what the studies find:

Fact: Vice clamps are not kidding around. When a vice clamp decides to squish your nuts, your nuts will explode.

Fact: Exploding nuts hurt really bad.
Exploding peanuts – no pain.
Exploding cashews – no pain.
Exploding parts of your body that contain testicles – mild to extreme pain.

Fact: Depending on the size of your nuts, clean-up can be very difficult.

Fact: Exploding nuts will cause blindness, cotton-mouth, fatigue, loss of hearing, diminishing sense of touch, inappropriate screaming, increase in blood pressure, loss of blood, use of profanity, mild discomfort in muscles, nausea, as well as some sexual side effects.

Fact: Nuts do not regenerate, do not contain caramel centers, do not release ink when frightened, do not contain expensive pearls and do not like to sleep in a vice clamp.

Fact: Putting your nuts in a vice clamp has never solved anything... and doesn't look good on the ol' resumé.