Jesse Crust the Sailor

Jesse Crust has many supreme things to teach us. He teaches us more than just good hygeine and posture; he teaches us how to clean our soul and how to multiply and divide fractions. He teaches us the Rule of Goodness and Not Being a Douche. He taught me to fight nerds. He is always teaching the poor to do stuff. He taught a man how to talk to lizards. He taught a jerk the meaning of friction. He teaches teenagers how to drive, but also how to respect themselves. He taught my brother a cool magic trick. He taught my wife how to throw a spear at a charging boar. He taught the world how to whistle. He taught Tiger Woods how to play checkers. He taught bears how to make love. He taught people named Harold how to clean up after disasters such as hurricanes. He is teaching some guy how to pickle green beans and will teach him how to dislocate a man's arm fom his shoulder socket in a matter of nanoseconds. He taught me how to be suspicious of airplanes and how no one can trust a pelican. He taught us all that freedom is real and it wants to kill. He taught a class on the Best 25 Methods to Get Drunk and Prepare Your Best Friend's Taxes. I hope he will teach me how to paper mâché my soul so that I can give it to my father. There are a lot more things too... like how to fuck with Texas.


iTouched