What happens in Vegas... is usually pretty fuckin' hard to remember

Day One:
Fly to Vegas with John and Connor. While on flight drink Rum and Coke. Due to the untimely passing of Michael Jackson, society's need of a punchline must not go unheeded, decide as a group that all MJ jokes will be bequeathed to Michael Jordan. Like so: Why does Michael Jordan like K-mart... because boy's pants are half off.

Arrive in Vegas. Mark picks us up. It is hotter than hell. Decide we each get 5 "That's what she said" comebacks per day. Drive to Mark and Dana's new place. Take a tour. Meet Mogodeshu. Go to In and Out Burger. Enjoy the hell out of it. Proceed to disc golf course. Play 24 holes in 116 degree heat. Sweat. Shoot Even for the round. Drive to gas station for cold drinks. They only have Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Walk across the street to different gas station. No Icees there either only Jolly Rancher stuff. Pick Cherry Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Drink the hell out of them. Walk back across the street. Sweat. Drive home. Go to Costco. Buy Steaks, Seven Layer Bean Dip, Mini Keg of Heineken, Vanilla Rum, Vodka, Vegetables, Watermelon, Chimichangas and Tortilla chips. Prepare drinks. Drink. Grill Steaks. Drink. Prepare sides. Drink. Feast. Take shirt off. Play Rock Band. Challenge my brother, 7 foot 250 pound J-Lew and Judo Mark in wrestling. Take pants off. Stop drinking Whiskey and start drinking water. Mogwai and I share my water bottle. Take a Pepcid. Sleep.

Day Two:
Wake up with a jammed thumb, bruise on bicep, rug burns on 2/3 of my body and sore hair. Discover compromising photos on phone. Prepare for hike at Red Rock Canyon. Pack water and Sweedish Fish. Begin hike in pleasant mood. Consume body weight in water. Cease talking to conserve energy. MooShoo Pork looks tired. Wish I was dead. Half way there. Reach summit and 113 degrees. Eat fish. Psych self up for hike back down. Reach car. Thank Jesus. Take scenic drive home. Stop for Icee. Arrive home. Take a swim in pool. Eat chimichangas. Watch The IT Crowd on Roku.

Get ready for night on the Strip. Wear Connor's shirt and Mark's shoes as a result of my poor packing. Enter Mandalay Bay. Walk by go-go girls dancing awkwardly. Take elevator to the very top and enter the Foundation Room. Meet Mark's co-workers. Receive double shot Rum and Cokes. Realize I lost my wedding ring. Freak out. Mark reminds me I took it off the night before to wrestle. Call Dana to double check. Whew. Send picture of me (sans wedding wring) and Nicole (sexy server) as joke. Drink triple shot Rum and Cokes. Bribe Rodney (security) to escort us out in handcuffs. Carry on to the Luxor. Randomly shout out names in hopes of meeting new friends. Attempt to guess the name of a go-go dancer. Guess for 15 minutes until she gives us a hint. Lisa? Lacy? Lucy? Leslie!!! Meet two couples from California. Take pictures. Notice Leslie leaving and say "Goodbye Lisa!" Mark sobers up and drives us home. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up at 6am on fire. John ices his body in order to cool off and not die. Go back to sleep.

Day Three:
Wake up. Take Pepcid. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Vow to never drink again. Play Tetris. Eat bean dip for breakfast. Go swimming. Enter pool before realizing that it is hotter than fuck. Jump out screaming. Grab hose and spray in cold water. Watch more of The IT Crowd. Prepare for Downtown. Go to Terrible's for cheap steaks and a free beer. Drive to the Peppermill with the top down. Enter Peppermill and asked to take off hat. Do so politely. Order a Stella... but give most of it to Connor. Go to car. Notice it's raining. Continue to Old Town. receive flat tire... on the strip. Pull over. Replace tire with donut... just so happens to be the only day it has ever rained in Las Vegas. Continue on our way. Free pull at 4 Queens. See Jefferson Starship on Freemont Street. Fancy graffiti artist wows us with his technique. $2 shrimp cocktails (none for me thank you). John gambles 20 bucks. We all press the free spin for $2.5 million. John loses 20 bucks. Go back home. Relax on the patio. Get ready for flight back. Hugs.

Day Four:
Wake up. Say goodbye to Connor. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Mark takes John and me to airport. John almost gets a cavity search for his "suspicious" ID. Arrive in Boise. Can't get a hold of Mariah. End up taking cab to John's. Cabs are more expensive than we thought. Burgers at West Side Drive-in. I am locked out of my house. And car. Call locksmith. Nobody answers. Call neighbors for phone book. Maybe we can get in through the upstairs window with a ladder. John is the only one tall enough to perform the stunt. John hoists himself through window. John saves the day. Can't figure out how to put the screen back on without... screen is ruined. Get cool beverages. Read a book. Go to bed early.

Pictures available upon request.

Hamburgers

I have eaten a lot of hamburgers in my career. Here are a few: Regular Hamburger, Cheese Burger, Double Cheese Burger, Bacon Cheese Burger, Bacon Ranch Burger, Chili Burger, Mushroom and Swiss Burger, Avocado Burger, Whopper, Ultimate Cheese Burger, Jumbo Jack, Sourdough Jack, Sirloin Burger, Old Fashioned Double, Junior Bacon Cheese Burger, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, Six Dollar Double Western, Super Star, Royal Robin, Burger Parmigiana, Meatloaf Burger, Greek Burger, Hawaiian Burger, and... to be continued.


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