Vice Clamps Aren't Dangerous?

I wanted to take this opportunity to explain the risks associated with putting your nuts in a vice clamp. There are far too many young Americans who foolishly partake in this atrocious behavior without knowing the facts.

Here are what the studies find:

Fact: Vice clamps are not kidding around. When a vice clamp decides to squish your nuts, your nuts will explode.

Fact: Exploding nuts hurt really bad.
Exploding peanuts – no pain.
Exploding cashews – no pain.
Exploding parts of your body that contain testicles – mild to extreme pain.

Fact: Depending on the size of your nuts, clean-up can be very difficult.

Fact: Exploding nuts will cause blindness, cotton-mouth, fatigue, loss of hearing, diminishing sense of touch, inappropriate screaming, increase in blood pressure, loss of blood, use of profanity, mild discomfort in muscles, nausea, as well as some sexual side effects.

Fact: Nuts do not regenerate, do not contain caramel centers, do not release ink when frightened, do not contain expensive pearls and do not like to sleep in a vice clamp.

Fact: Putting your nuts in a vice clamp has never solved anything... and doesn't look good on the ol' resumé.

Does this mean we're through?

After a fourteen year love affair with the foot-long sandwich I am officially dumping it's ass. There comes a time in every man's life when he asks himself, "Am I getting anything out of this relationship that satisfies my hunger and/or sexual desire?"

Well, I definitely got something alright, but unfortunately it was a Pot Belly (with some extra large Love Handles, am I right?... OMG that's sooo funny). But seriously, I also received the gift of herpes. On my junk. Yeah I worried about STDs but I never thought I would actually catch anything... but catch I did... like a sacrifice fly in the bottom of the 9th inning which brought home the go-ahead run. I caught it like a left hook to the chin in the 12th round which introduced my face to the mat. I caught it like a case of jock itch after the community towel makes it's way through the football locker room (which also happens to be a good way to catch genital herpes I may add).

What sucks though, is now I have to end my relationship with pickles too. I wish I didn't have to... but I do. The only time I have pickles is when I have a sandwich... kinda of a menage-a-trois thing really. Man, there are things pickles can do that I didn't even know were possible. Seriously, pickles are truly crazy. I had pickles in the movie theater once. I also had pickles in the basement of my jr. high school. I even had pickles (multiple times) in the mens room... on an airplane!

(Sigh)

Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. But now I have more important things to worry about. Like... how am I gonna get rid of these terrible sores? And what am I gonna eat for lunch? And... how am I gonna support a little 6-inch of my own? Didn't I tell you? My sandwich is pregnant.