So I thought I could dance

So I guess it turns out that what I thought was dancing is actually more closely related to NOT dancing. I am really pissed off too 'cause I have choreographed a lot of shit this year. You know that little number that busted out this afternoon downtown with the twirly jumps and spinny arm flairs? That was mine. I could have sworn that it was dancing... hot, hot dancing with flippy kick jumps and poppy lock flips... but some dude told me it wasn't dancing, it was tripping over a street bench. Well, my critical companion, you may be a nationally reknown dance expert, or maybe you are a delivery man that just so happened to walk down 8th street when I danced my way back from lunch... (twice), but I will say one thing; I killed it today, bra! I killed that dance dead! And it will remain dead... 'cause it's been murdered killed, son.


iTouched

Summer Recipes!!!

Cale's Hearty Guacamole
(Using Nature's Blender)

Ingredients:
1 tomato
1 large hass avocado
1 small onion
1 teaspoon of lemon juice
Add tabasco to taste

Directions:
Cut avocado in half and scoop out contents with spoon. Eat all ingredients. Wait 3-5 hours, depending on amount of tabasco consumed. When guacamole is completely processed, take out of bowl and serve with chips. Enjoy!

Let's flush this crap

It is time to relieve myself by releasing the bad ideas from my brain... but also my heart, bros. Here are a few of the bad ideas that came to me today by divine insolpulation. Eating a lot of jello before a pillow fight. Inventing a form of cleansing one's soul without using hands or tater stamps. Not using really fun toilet paper after deficating. Pronouncing words oddly. Going to the gym to contemplate the philosophy of Freedom. Eating a taco without meat after reading an interesting book. Daring Satan to fight like a man next time. Putting on a loud music track while blanching summer sweet corn. Building a beaver trap out of plastic spoons and not warning my brothers. E-mailing the neighbors about propper waste management and shutting down the Hug Factory. Jiggling the metaphoric handle on the toilet of life. Greasing up a turtle without a legal contract. Sending pics of my new shoes to a rude gardener who doesn't appreciate shit. Painting all the buttons on my shirts and pants before proving the existence of God. Cutting all the wires except the green one which would have prevented my elbows from being dislocated. Running away from a giant black bird without documentation. Participating in luxory programs and ditching my shuffleboard commitments. Complimenting the Lord on the glorious lizard fight I witnessed. And finally... not rescuing my friends from the robots of the future and whispering doubt into their earballs.


iTouched

No Way Julio

Today's blog is cancelled due to the economy. And because I am playing The Settlers of Catan.


iTouched

Which is Less Awesome

Who lives in a cucumber under the lake? Loofah Robert Rectangle Britches!!!

or

Adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises.... champions in a 50% protective layer, TORTOISE MIGHT!!!

The Charges Were Dropped!

that's right... ALL charges were dropped. I am so pleased to announce that every single charge that I incurred last month was dropped like a slippery baby. public nudity while intoxicated on a suspended fishing license; dropped. engaging in suspicious activity and selling harvested organs without a propper permit; dropped. kicking a cop in the love stones without a warning; dropped. taking out my illegal weapon and discharging it into a sleeping person; dropped. flinging a potato into the river after stealing it from a produce tent after urinating on the whole stack of potatoes after robbing a convenience store; dropped. and finally, yearning to modify an electronic traffic sign without adequate creative insight; dropped.

iTouched

14 Steps to Get Rich Quick!

Step 1: Steal ALL your boss's underwear.
Step 2: Embroider "Bat Cave" on back of EVERY pair.
Step 3: VERY IMPORTANT: Return ALL underwear to boss.
Step 4: Buy a mini Batman costume.
Step 5: Bake cupcakes
Step 5: Dress up your wiener with Batman costume.
Step 6: Take a picture with your naked testicles on the cupcakes.
Step 7: Give cupcakes to boss.
Step 8: Call police.
Step 9: After boss eats all of the cupcakes, reveal picture of testicles in cupcakes.
Step 10: Get ass kicked. (Wait for police)
Step 11: After police arrive, explain to them how your enemy threatened to fire you if you didn't "dip Batman in frosting and put in Bat Cave". Explain how much you needed this job. Explain how you just couldn't go through with it and your boss beat the shit out of you.
Step 12: Drop pants and show proof.
Step 13: When boss denies story, convince police to have boss drop pants.
Step 14: Collect money.