Summer Recipes!!!

Cale's Hearty Guacamole
(Using Nature's Blender)

Ingredients:
1 tomato
1 large hass avocado
1 small onion
1 teaspoon of lemon juice
Add tabasco to taste

Directions:
Cut avocado in half and scoop out contents with spoon. Eat all ingredients. Wait 3-5 hours, depending on amount of tabasco consumed. When guacamole is completely processed, take out of bowl and serve with chips. Enjoy!

Let's flush this crap

It is time to relieve myself by releasing the bad ideas from my brain... but also my heart, bros. Here are a few of the bad ideas that came to me today by divine insolpulation. Eating a lot of jello before a pillow fight. Inventing a form of cleansing one's soul without using hands or tater stamps. Not using really fun toilet paper after deficating. Pronouncing words oddly. Going to the gym to contemplate the philosophy of Freedom. Eating a taco without meat after reading an interesting book. Daring Satan to fight like a man next time. Putting on a loud music track while blanching summer sweet corn. Building a beaver trap out of plastic spoons and not warning my brothers. E-mailing the neighbors about propper waste management and shutting down the Hug Factory. Jiggling the metaphoric handle on the toilet of life. Greasing up a turtle without a legal contract. Sending pics of my new shoes to a rude gardener who doesn't appreciate shit. Painting all the buttons on my shirts and pants before proving the existence of God. Cutting all the wires except the green one which would have prevented my elbows from being dislocated. Running away from a giant black bird without documentation. Participating in luxory programs and ditching my shuffleboard commitments. Complimenting the Lord on the glorious lizard fight I witnessed. And finally... not rescuing my friends from the robots of the future and whispering doubt into their earballs.


iTouched

No Way Julio

Today's blog is cancelled due to the economy. And because I am playing The Settlers of Catan.


iTouched

Which is Less Awesome

Who lives in a cucumber under the lake? Loofah Robert Rectangle Britches!!!

or

Adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises.... champions in a 50% protective layer, TORTOISE MIGHT!!!

The Charges Were Dropped!

that's right... ALL charges were dropped. I am so pleased to announce that every single charge that I incurred last month was dropped like a slippery baby. public nudity while intoxicated on a suspended fishing license; dropped. engaging in suspicious activity and selling harvested organs without a propper permit; dropped. kicking a cop in the love stones without a warning; dropped. taking out my illegal weapon and discharging it into a sleeping person; dropped. flinging a potato into the river after stealing it from a produce tent after urinating on the whole stack of potatoes after robbing a convenience store; dropped. and finally, yearning to modify an electronic traffic sign without adequate creative insight; dropped.

iTouched

14 Steps to Get Rich Quick!

Step 1: Steal ALL your boss's underwear.
Step 2: Embroider "Bat Cave" on back of EVERY pair.
Step 3: VERY IMPORTANT: Return ALL underwear to boss.
Step 4: Buy a mini Batman costume.
Step 5: Bake cupcakes
Step 5: Dress up your wiener with Batman costume.
Step 6: Take a picture with your naked testicles on the cupcakes.
Step 7: Give cupcakes to boss.
Step 8: Call police.
Step 9: After boss eats all of the cupcakes, reveal picture of testicles in cupcakes.
Step 10: Get ass kicked. (Wait for police)
Step 11: After police arrive, explain to them how your enemy threatened to fire you if you didn't "dip Batman in frosting and put in Bat Cave". Explain how much you needed this job. Explain how you just couldn't go through with it and your boss beat the shit out of you.
Step 12: Drop pants and show proof.
Step 13: When boss denies story, convince police to have boss drop pants.
Step 14: Collect money.

I didn't know that!

Here are a few fun facts that I didn't know... but now I do know... and so will you:

Each year 2 million Americans become robots, but nearly 66% of these new robots can not eat metal, shoot lasers out of their eyes, or even reassemble themselves after a nuclear disaster.

Plants such as Guerrilla Corn, Tree-taters, Ruby Plum-tards, and Huckle-Bob-berry t'maiters, are genetically programmed to poison you if you insult NASCAR, inbreeding, or alcohol abuse problems.

Dogs are twice as likely to eat your brains when they are zombies as opposed to when they are just regular dogs who just so happen to enjoy eating brains.

Jesse Crust, the Sailor, is not myth. He is a metaphor.

In the year 2057 people will have more time to exercise but less time to free base... creating a huge conflict of interest.

Crazy coked-up zombie dogs are 3 times more likely to eat your brains than sleepy 3-legged zombie dogs.

Analogies are like trees... except they don't have branches, roots, or trunks made of wood... or leaves

A frying pan is the perfect tool for someone looking to collect several herbs and spices, smash a bird on the head, and fry up the bird's unborn children. But it is not the perfect tool for a blind person to powder your nuts with.

Zombie dogs who are experts in Persuasive Public Speaking Techniques and who have completed certification classes in Presentation Visuals are 4 times more likely to eat your brains then zombie dogs who specialize in Underwater Welding.

Lizards who have fur, big bushy ears, and rat tails are apparently called moles.

Bonus Fact: The Flavored Pickle rage of the 1980s was actually created on purpose... however the best-selling Flavored Pickle, Sweet Blueberry n' Tobasco Dill Explosion, actually tasted more like a piece of pickled horse shit.