Conbo-Calerized: The Desert

true that evil sand dunes can flip over the sky,
but can the northern bearded lizard-flowers fly?
will those bearded-bastard-children of satan die?
dead. those fucking-flower-faced fucks?

as the desert morning slips over the mounds so high,
the cactus-winged scorpion death fights are nigh.
the sun-burned tail of a warrior screams goodbye.
pierced. scorpions are the pussies of the dessert.

there is no doubt the winds of time never cry,
forcing their breath upon old river beds long dry.
raping the freshly-blinded earth in the socket of her eye.
fucked. i never liked coyotes anyway.

Don’t Read if You’re a Wimp

I must admit that I am sick and tired of a-holes who spit out big ol’ loogies right as I walk by. I mean, of all the bodily fluids that one could exude from their body, spitting a small bit of saliva seems like the wimpiest. I just can’t respect a man whose primary expression of intimidation is a small gumball of dribble spewed from a pair of persed lips. I’ll tell you what I can respect though. A real man. A man who decides to perform a proper act of intimidation. A man who is prepared to deliver the ultimate scare tactic by dropping a big stinking duke—a shit-line in the sand if you will—right in my path. A don’t-fuck-with-me announcement— “I am a man, and I offer this beastly crap to you as evidence of my manhood. Do you see? Do you see that which I have produced on the pavement like an official document of my power? Don’t fuck with me, my friend. I am a man.”

Now that I could respect.

I can't turn down a good deal

Have you ever heard the rain? Are you tired of your typical mundane existence as it butt friggs you each morning? Want to know a little more about how to sell products? Well, now it doesn't matter. Ding ding dong, clickity-clack, don't-smoke-crack—Bing! Boy, do I have an awesome product for you and your family of dumb-morons, my beloved readers. Buy it now. Seriously, buy it now! Before you even know what it is... 'cause hundreds of people will pass out from spontaneous mind drunkedness just by reading the super fresh product name of this super-sexed-up life product. It's so fucking cool that a lot of bloggers have it on their top ten lists of "Stuff I Want Harder Than An HJ" because, listen up, we are already on track to break the all-time sells record for anything ANYWHERE!

Thought pants were a pretty cool idea? Blow 'em!! Knives are pretty cool, right? Blow 'em!! What about rice? That seems like a good selling product? Blow them all!! What I have for you is selling better than mother fuckin' hot cakes... in fact, we are now required by law to replace the word "hotcakes" with this brand spankin' new product that will revolutionize our lives! And due to a small typo on our legal documents, all actual hotcakes too will be replaced by this even hotter and cake-ier product... FIRE!!! That's right, I said FIRE!!! Get yours NOW!!!

Fire, fire, fire! Fire-fire, fire, fire-fire-fire. FIRE!

It sounds great, but how much do I actually have to pay? Hey, keep your out-dated underwear from twisting your genitals, my friend... I will tell you. Hold on to your jimmy b-ball caps, 'cause if you order your fire within the next 15 minutes we will drop the first payment! And that's not all, we will also offer you free shipping and handling! And it doesn't end there, for every fire we sell we will ship an additional 258 fires at no cost to you!!! You only pay three easy payments! What are these payments you ask? Well, I will tell you... that is, if you remove those provocative air humps from the back of my metaphorical brain smuggler... locate your most current checking account activity statement. Divide the remaining balance by three, and there you have it! Assuming you have more than $3,500 in your account, you are pre-approved! Order yours now!!! Only 30 million units in stock!! Most major credit cards accepted! Don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers like a greased-up-hog-cock.

Fire, FIRE, F-I-R-E! fire-fire. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreee!

Freedom Write: Winter 09

This here is a freedom write in which I will declare myself eligible for the draft... my top choice is the NFL draft. If that is unavailable, then I would like to declare my entire soul eligible for the draft located near my fireplace. If that too is unavailable then I would like to declare my body and mind for the Daft Funk—which is totally approved by the president. If all three of my Top Choices are unavailable then I will sacrifice my spirit and life force in order to be drafted by an architect... for science. My last choice is being drafted by the army soldiers because I am afraid of tanks and air ships. I would also like to make clear that I love waffles more than ALMOST anything. Let me be totally clear, there are FEW things I like more than a good waffle. I would like to stress the importance of my clarity, HARDLY anything is more dear to my heart than waffles. With that said, for my first illusion, I present to you... my breakfast order:

First Option:
2 - Pancakes
2 - Sausage Links
3 - Eggs, Scrambled
5 - Pieces of Toast (but only 1 Slice of Bread)
15 - Tablespoons of Orange Juice
1 - Glass filled with Big Bulbous Dark Grapes
1 - Container of Milk (any size)
1.5 - pounds of Bacon (homestyle)
1 - large Bowl of Cereal (with Blueberries, Crab Apples, Butter, Sugar
Cubes, Peanuts and Chocolate Syrup)
4 - Danish Pancakes
1 - French Pancake
2 - Slices of Cake
1/2 - a Grapefruit
1 - more glass filled with Small Round Red Grapes
1 - Toothpaste Tube filled with Yogurt

Second Option:
Pizza

Third Option:
Waffles

Sing it like this:

(D Minor)

We brush our Teeth,
To get the sugar bugs
Off our Teeth.
To make them Dead.

Oh, we brush our Teeth,
To kill those sugar bugs Dead!

Burn in Hell!

(repeat 3 times)

New cake rules

Alright, listen up you jag weeds. I would like to make an amendment to the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Really it should say,"You can't have your cake which was baked in order to make everyone else jealous of how rich you are and eat it too because by eating the cake it destroys the very evidence that you are rich in the first place."

Thank you.

Jesse Crust the Sailor

Jesse Crust has many supreme things to teach us. He teaches us more than just good hygeine and posture; he teaches us how to clean our soul and how to multiply and divide fractions. He teaches us the Rule of Goodness and Not Being a Douche. He taught me to fight nerds. He is always teaching the poor to do stuff. He taught a man how to talk to lizards. He taught a jerk the meaning of friction. He teaches teenagers how to drive, but also how to respect themselves. He taught my brother a cool magic trick. He taught my wife how to throw a spear at a charging boar. He taught the world how to whistle. He taught Tiger Woods how to play checkers. He taught bears how to make love. He taught people named Harold how to clean up after disasters such as hurricanes. He is teaching some guy how to pickle green beans and will teach him how to dislocate a man's arm fom his shoulder socket in a matter of nanoseconds. He taught me how to be suspicious of airplanes and how no one can trust a pelican. He taught us all that freedom is real and it wants to kill. He taught a class on the Best 25 Methods to Get Drunk and Prepare Your Best Friend's Taxes. I hope he will teach me how to paper mâché my soul so that I can give it to my father. There are a lot more things too... like how to fuck with Texas.


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