I can't turn down a good deal

Have you ever heard the rain? Are you tired of your typical mundane existence as it butt friggs you each morning? Want to know a little more about how to sell products? Well, now it doesn't matter. Ding ding dong, clickity-clack, don't-smoke-crack—Bing! Boy, do I have an awesome product for you and your family of dumb-morons, my beloved readers. Buy it now. Seriously, buy it now! Before you even know what it is... 'cause hundreds of people will pass out from spontaneous mind drunkedness just by reading the super fresh product name of this super-sexed-up life product. It's so fucking cool that a lot of bloggers have it on their top ten lists of "Stuff I Want Harder Than An HJ" because, listen up, we are already on track to break the all-time sells record for anything ANYWHERE!

Thought pants were a pretty cool idea? Blow 'em!! Knives are pretty cool, right? Blow 'em!! What about rice? That seems like a good selling product? Blow them all!! What I have for you is selling better than mother fuckin' hot cakes... in fact, we are now required by law to replace the word "hotcakes" with this brand spankin' new product that will revolutionize our lives! And due to a small typo on our legal documents, all actual hotcakes too will be replaced by this even hotter and cake-ier product... FIRE!!! That's right, I said FIRE!!! Get yours NOW!!!

Fire, fire, fire! Fire-fire, fire, fire-fire-fire. FIRE!

It sounds great, but how much do I actually have to pay? Hey, keep your out-dated underwear from twisting your genitals, my friend... I will tell you. Hold on to your jimmy b-ball caps, 'cause if you order your fire within the next 15 minutes we will drop the first payment! And that's not all, we will also offer you free shipping and handling! And it doesn't end there, for every fire we sell we will ship an additional 258 fires at no cost to you!!! You only pay three easy payments! What are these payments you ask? Well, I will tell you... that is, if you remove those provocative air humps from the back of my metaphorical brain smuggler... locate your most current checking account activity statement. Divide the remaining balance by three, and there you have it! Assuming you have more than $3,500 in your account, you are pre-approved! Order yours now!!! Only 30 million units in stock!! Most major credit cards accepted! Don't let this opportunity slip through your fingers like a greased-up-hog-cock.

Fire, FIRE, F-I-R-E! fire-fire. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrreee!

Freedom Write: Winter 09

This here is a freedom write in which I will declare myself eligible for the draft... my top choice is the NFL draft. If that is unavailable, then I would like to declare my entire soul eligible for the draft located near my fireplace. If that too is unavailable then I would like to declare my body and mind for the Daft Funk—which is totally approved by the president. If all three of my Top Choices are unavailable then I will sacrifice my spirit and life force in order to be drafted by an architect... for science. My last choice is being drafted by the army soldiers because I am afraid of tanks and air ships. I would also like to make clear that I love waffles more than ALMOST anything. Let me be totally clear, there are FEW things I like more than a good waffle. I would like to stress the importance of my clarity, HARDLY anything is more dear to my heart than waffles. With that said, for my first illusion, I present to you... my breakfast order:

First Option:
2 - Pancakes
2 - Sausage Links
3 - Eggs, Scrambled
5 - Pieces of Toast (but only 1 Slice of Bread)
15 - Tablespoons of Orange Juice
1 - Glass filled with Big Bulbous Dark Grapes
1 - Container of Milk (any size)
1.5 - pounds of Bacon (homestyle)
1 - large Bowl of Cereal (with Blueberries, Crab Apples, Butter, Sugar
Cubes, Peanuts and Chocolate Syrup)
4 - Danish Pancakes
1 - French Pancake
2 - Slices of Cake
1/2 - a Grapefruit
1 - more glass filled with Small Round Red Grapes
1 - Toothpaste Tube filled with Yogurt

Second Option:
Pizza

Third Option:
Waffles

Sing it like this:

(D Minor)

We brush our Teeth,
To get the sugar bugs
Off our Teeth.
To make them Dead.

Oh, we brush our Teeth,
To kill those sugar bugs Dead!

Burn in Hell!

(repeat 3 times)

New cake rules

Alright, listen up you jag weeds. I would like to make an amendment to the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Really it should say,"You can't have your cake which was baked in order to make everyone else jealous of how rich you are and eat it too because by eating the cake it destroys the very evidence that you are rich in the first place."

Thank you.

Jesse Crust the Sailor

Jesse Crust has many supreme things to teach us. He teaches us more than just good hygeine and posture; he teaches us how to clean our soul and how to multiply and divide fractions. He teaches us the Rule of Goodness and Not Being a Douche. He taught me to fight nerds. He is always teaching the poor to do stuff. He taught a man how to talk to lizards. He taught a jerk the meaning of friction. He teaches teenagers how to drive, but also how to respect themselves. He taught my brother a cool magic trick. He taught my wife how to throw a spear at a charging boar. He taught the world how to whistle. He taught Tiger Woods how to play checkers. He taught bears how to make love. He taught people named Harold how to clean up after disasters such as hurricanes. He is teaching some guy how to pickle green beans and will teach him how to dislocate a man's arm fom his shoulder socket in a matter of nanoseconds. He taught me how to be suspicious of airplanes and how no one can trust a pelican. He taught us all that freedom is real and it wants to kill. He taught a class on the Best 25 Methods to Get Drunk and Prepare Your Best Friend's Taxes. I hope he will teach me how to paper mâché my soul so that I can give it to my father. There are a lot more things too... like how to fuck with Texas.


iTouched

What happens in Vegas... is usually pretty fuckin' hard to remember

Day One:
Fly to Vegas with John and Connor. While on flight drink Rum and Coke. Due to the untimely passing of Michael Jackson, society's need of a punchline must not go unheeded, decide as a group that all MJ jokes will be bequeathed to Michael Jordan. Like so: Why does Michael Jordan like K-mart... because boy's pants are half off.

Arrive in Vegas. Mark picks us up. It is hotter than hell. Decide we each get 5 "That's what she said" comebacks per day. Drive to Mark and Dana's new place. Take a tour. Meet Mogodeshu. Go to In and Out Burger. Enjoy the hell out of it. Proceed to disc golf course. Play 24 holes in 116 degree heat. Sweat. Shoot Even for the round. Drive to gas station for cold drinks. They only have Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Walk across the street to different gas station. No Icees there either only Jolly Rancher stuff. Pick Cherry Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Drink the hell out of them. Walk back across the street. Sweat. Drive home. Go to Costco. Buy Steaks, Seven Layer Bean Dip, Mini Keg of Heineken, Vanilla Rum, Vodka, Vegetables, Watermelon, Chimichangas and Tortilla chips. Prepare drinks. Drink. Grill Steaks. Drink. Prepare sides. Drink. Feast. Take shirt off. Play Rock Band. Challenge my brother, 7 foot 250 pound J-Lew and Judo Mark in wrestling. Take pants off. Stop drinking Whiskey and start drinking water. Mogwai and I share my water bottle. Take a Pepcid. Sleep.

Day Two:
Wake up with a jammed thumb, bruise on bicep, rug burns on 2/3 of my body and sore hair. Discover compromising photos on phone. Prepare for hike at Red Rock Canyon. Pack water and Sweedish Fish. Begin hike in pleasant mood. Consume body weight in water. Cease talking to conserve energy. MooShoo Pork looks tired. Wish I was dead. Half way there. Reach summit and 113 degrees. Eat fish. Psych self up for hike back down. Reach car. Thank Jesus. Take scenic drive home. Stop for Icee. Arrive home. Take a swim in pool. Eat chimichangas. Watch The IT Crowd on Roku.

Get ready for night on the Strip. Wear Connor's shirt and Mark's shoes as a result of my poor packing. Enter Mandalay Bay. Walk by go-go girls dancing awkwardly. Take elevator to the very top and enter the Foundation Room. Meet Mark's co-workers. Receive double shot Rum and Cokes. Realize I lost my wedding ring. Freak out. Mark reminds me I took it off the night before to wrestle. Call Dana to double check. Whew. Send picture of me (sans wedding wring) and Nicole (sexy server) as joke. Drink triple shot Rum and Cokes. Bribe Rodney (security) to escort us out in handcuffs. Carry on to the Luxor. Randomly shout out names in hopes of meeting new friends. Attempt to guess the name of a go-go dancer. Guess for 15 minutes until she gives us a hint. Lisa? Lacy? Lucy? Leslie!!! Meet two couples from California. Take pictures. Notice Leslie leaving and say "Goodbye Lisa!" Mark sobers up and drives us home. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up at 6am on fire. John ices his body in order to cool off and not die. Go back to sleep.

Day Three:
Wake up. Take Pepcid. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Vow to never drink again. Play Tetris. Eat bean dip for breakfast. Go swimming. Enter pool before realizing that it is hotter than fuck. Jump out screaming. Grab hose and spray in cold water. Watch more of The IT Crowd. Prepare for Downtown. Go to Terrible's for cheap steaks and a free beer. Drive to the Peppermill with the top down. Enter Peppermill and asked to take off hat. Do so politely. Order a Stella... but give most of it to Connor. Go to car. Notice it's raining. Continue to Old Town. receive flat tire... on the strip. Pull over. Replace tire with donut... just so happens to be the only day it has ever rained in Las Vegas. Continue on our way. Free pull at 4 Queens. See Jefferson Starship on Freemont Street. Fancy graffiti artist wows us with his technique. $2 shrimp cocktails (none for me thank you). John gambles 20 bucks. We all press the free spin for $2.5 million. John loses 20 bucks. Go back home. Relax on the patio. Get ready for flight back. Hugs.

Day Four:
Wake up. Say goodbye to Connor. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Mark takes John and me to airport. John almost gets a cavity search for his "suspicious" ID. Arrive in Boise. Can't get a hold of Mariah. End up taking cab to John's. Cabs are more expensive than we thought. Burgers at West Side Drive-in. I am locked out of my house. And car. Call locksmith. Nobody answers. Call neighbors for phone book. Maybe we can get in through the upstairs window with a ladder. John is the only one tall enough to perform the stunt. John hoists himself through window. John saves the day. Can't figure out how to put the screen back on without... screen is ruined. Get cool beverages. Read a book. Go to bed early.

Pictures available upon request.

Hamburgers

I have eaten a lot of hamburgers in my career. Here are a few: Regular Hamburger, Cheese Burger, Double Cheese Burger, Bacon Cheese Burger, Bacon Ranch Burger, Chili Burger, Mushroom and Swiss Burger, Avocado Burger, Whopper, Ultimate Cheese Burger, Jumbo Jack, Sourdough Jack, Sirloin Burger, Old Fashioned Double, Junior Bacon Cheese Burger, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, Six Dollar Double Western, Super Star, Royal Robin, Burger Parmigiana, Meatloaf Burger, Greek Burger, Hawaiian Burger, and... to be continued.


iTouched