Freedom Write: Winter 09

This here is a freedom write in which I will declare myself eligible for the draft... my top choice is the NFL draft. If that is unavailable, then I would like to declare my entire soul eligible for the draft located near my fireplace. If that too is unavailable then I would like to declare my body and mind for the Daft Funk—which is totally approved by the president. If all three of my Top Choices are unavailable then I will sacrifice my spirit and life force in order to be drafted by an architect... for science. My last choice is being drafted by the army soldiers because I am afraid of tanks and air ships. I would also like to make clear that I love waffles more than ALMOST anything. Let me be totally clear, there are FEW things I like more than a good waffle. I would like to stress the importance of my clarity, HARDLY anything is more dear to my heart than waffles. With that said, for my first illusion, I present to you... my breakfast order:

First Option:
2 - Pancakes
2 - Sausage Links
3 - Eggs, Scrambled
5 - Pieces of Toast (but only 1 Slice of Bread)
15 - Tablespoons of Orange Juice
1 - Glass filled with Big Bulbous Dark Grapes
1 - Container of Milk (any size)
1.5 - pounds of Bacon (homestyle)
1 - large Bowl of Cereal (with Blueberries, Crab Apples, Butter, Sugar
Cubes, Peanuts and Chocolate Syrup)
4 - Danish Pancakes
1 - French Pancake
2 - Slices of Cake
1/2 - a Grapefruit
1 - more glass filled with Small Round Red Grapes
1 - Toothpaste Tube filled with Yogurt

Second Option:
Pizza

Third Option:
Waffles

Sing it like this:

(D Minor)

We brush our Teeth,
To get the sugar bugs
Off our Teeth.
To make them Dead.

Oh, we brush our Teeth,
To kill those sugar bugs Dead!

Burn in Hell!

(repeat 3 times)

New cake rules

Alright, listen up you jag weeds. I would like to make an amendment to the saying, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

Really it should say,"You can't have your cake which was baked in order to make everyone else jealous of how rich you are and eat it too because by eating the cake it destroys the very evidence that you are rich in the first place."

Thank you.

Jesse Crust the Sailor

Jesse Crust has many supreme things to teach us. He teaches us more than just good hygeine and posture; he teaches us how to clean our soul and how to multiply and divide fractions. He teaches us the Rule of Goodness and Not Being a Douche. He taught me to fight nerds. He is always teaching the poor to do stuff. He taught a man how to talk to lizards. He taught a jerk the meaning of friction. He teaches teenagers how to drive, but also how to respect themselves. He taught my brother a cool magic trick. He taught my wife how to throw a spear at a charging boar. He taught the world how to whistle. He taught Tiger Woods how to play checkers. He taught bears how to make love. He taught people named Harold how to clean up after disasters such as hurricanes. He is teaching some guy how to pickle green beans and will teach him how to dislocate a man's arm fom his shoulder socket in a matter of nanoseconds. He taught me how to be suspicious of airplanes and how no one can trust a pelican. He taught us all that freedom is real and it wants to kill. He taught a class on the Best 25 Methods to Get Drunk and Prepare Your Best Friend's Taxes. I hope he will teach me how to paper mâché my soul so that I can give it to my father. There are a lot more things too... like how to fuck with Texas.


iTouched

What happens in Vegas... is usually pretty fuckin' hard to remember

Day One:
Fly to Vegas with John and Connor. While on flight drink Rum and Coke. Due to the untimely passing of Michael Jackson, society's need of a punchline must not go unheeded, decide as a group that all MJ jokes will be bequeathed to Michael Jordan. Like so: Why does Michael Jordan like K-mart... because boy's pants are half off.

Arrive in Vegas. Mark picks us up. It is hotter than hell. Decide we each get 5 "That's what she said" comebacks per day. Drive to Mark and Dana's new place. Take a tour. Meet Mogodeshu. Go to In and Out Burger. Enjoy the hell out of it. Proceed to disc golf course. Play 24 holes in 116 degree heat. Sweat. Shoot Even for the round. Drive to gas station for cold drinks. They only have Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Walk across the street to different gas station. No Icees there either only Jolly Rancher stuff. Pick Cherry Jolly Rancher flavored ice drinks. Drink the hell out of them. Walk back across the street. Sweat. Drive home. Go to Costco. Buy Steaks, Seven Layer Bean Dip, Mini Keg of Heineken, Vanilla Rum, Vodka, Vegetables, Watermelon, Chimichangas and Tortilla chips. Prepare drinks. Drink. Grill Steaks. Drink. Prepare sides. Drink. Feast. Take shirt off. Play Rock Band. Challenge my brother, 7 foot 250 pound J-Lew and Judo Mark in wrestling. Take pants off. Stop drinking Whiskey and start drinking water. Mogwai and I share my water bottle. Take a Pepcid. Sleep.

Day Two:
Wake up with a jammed thumb, bruise on bicep, rug burns on 2/3 of my body and sore hair. Discover compromising photos on phone. Prepare for hike at Red Rock Canyon. Pack water and Sweedish Fish. Begin hike in pleasant mood. Consume body weight in water. Cease talking to conserve energy. MooShoo Pork looks tired. Wish I was dead. Half way there. Reach summit and 113 degrees. Eat fish. Psych self up for hike back down. Reach car. Thank Jesus. Take scenic drive home. Stop for Icee. Arrive home. Take a swim in pool. Eat chimichangas. Watch The IT Crowd on Roku.

Get ready for night on the Strip. Wear Connor's shirt and Mark's shoes as a result of my poor packing. Enter Mandalay Bay. Walk by go-go girls dancing awkwardly. Take elevator to the very top and enter the Foundation Room. Meet Mark's co-workers. Receive double shot Rum and Cokes. Realize I lost my wedding ring. Freak out. Mark reminds me I took it off the night before to wrestle. Call Dana to double check. Whew. Send picture of me (sans wedding wring) and Nicole (sexy server) as joke. Drink triple shot Rum and Cokes. Bribe Rodney (security) to escort us out in handcuffs. Carry on to the Luxor. Randomly shout out names in hopes of meeting new friends. Attempt to guess the name of a go-go dancer. Guess for 15 minutes until she gives us a hint. Lisa? Lacy? Lucy? Leslie!!! Meet two couples from California. Take pictures. Notice Leslie leaving and say "Goodbye Lisa!" Mark sobers up and drives us home. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up at 6am on fire. John ices his body in order to cool off and not die. Go back to sleep.

Day Three:
Wake up. Take Pepcid. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Vow to never drink again. Play Tetris. Eat bean dip for breakfast. Go swimming. Enter pool before realizing that it is hotter than fuck. Jump out screaming. Grab hose and spray in cold water. Watch more of The IT Crowd. Prepare for Downtown. Go to Terrible's for cheap steaks and a free beer. Drive to the Peppermill with the top down. Enter Peppermill and asked to take off hat. Do so politely. Order a Stella... but give most of it to Connor. Go to car. Notice it's raining. Continue to Old Town. receive flat tire... on the strip. Pull over. Replace tire with donut... just so happens to be the only day it has ever rained in Las Vegas. Continue on our way. Free pull at 4 Queens. See Jefferson Starship on Freemont Street. Fancy graffiti artist wows us with his technique. $2 shrimp cocktails (none for me thank you). John gambles 20 bucks. We all press the free spin for $2.5 million. John loses 20 bucks. Go back home. Relax on the patio. Get ready for flight back. Hugs.

Day Four:
Wake up. Say goodbye to Connor. Go back to sleep. Wake up again. Mark takes John and me to airport. John almost gets a cavity search for his "suspicious" ID. Arrive in Boise. Can't get a hold of Mariah. End up taking cab to John's. Cabs are more expensive than we thought. Burgers at West Side Drive-in. I am locked out of my house. And car. Call locksmith. Nobody answers. Call neighbors for phone book. Maybe we can get in through the upstairs window with a ladder. John is the only one tall enough to perform the stunt. John hoists himself through window. John saves the day. Can't figure out how to put the screen back on without... screen is ruined. Get cool beverages. Read a book. Go to bed early.

Pictures available upon request.

Hamburgers

I have eaten a lot of hamburgers in my career. Here are a few: Regular Hamburger, Cheese Burger, Double Cheese Burger, Bacon Cheese Burger, Bacon Ranch Burger, Chili Burger, Mushroom and Swiss Burger, Avocado Burger, Whopper, Ultimate Cheese Burger, Jumbo Jack, Sourdough Jack, Sirloin Burger, Old Fashioned Double, Junior Bacon Cheese Burger, Quarter Pounder, Big Mac, Six Dollar Double Western, Super Star, Royal Robin, Burger Parmigiana, Meatloaf Burger, Greek Burger, Hawaiian Burger, and... to be continued.


iTouched

So I thought I could dance

So I guess it turns out that what I thought was dancing is actually more closely related to NOT dancing. I am really pissed off too 'cause I have choreographed a lot of shit this year. You know that little number that busted out this afternoon downtown with the twirly jumps and spinny arm flairs? That was mine. I could have sworn that it was dancing... hot, hot dancing with flippy kick jumps and poppy lock flips... but some dude told me it wasn't dancing, it was tripping over a street bench. Well, my critical companion, you may be a nationally reknown dance expert, or maybe you are a delivery man that just so happened to walk down 8th street when I danced my way back from lunch... (twice), but I will say one thing; I killed it today, bra! I killed that dance dead! And it will remain dead... 'cause it's been murdered killed, son.


iTouched

Summer Recipes!!!

Cale's Hearty Guacamole
(Using Nature's Blender)

Ingredients:
1 tomato
1 large hass avocado
1 small onion
1 teaspoon of lemon juice
Add tabasco to taste

Directions:
Cut avocado in half and scoop out contents with spoon. Eat all ingredients. Wait 3-5 hours, depending on amount of tabasco consumed. When guacamole is completely processed, take out of bowl and serve with chips. Enjoy!

Let's flush this crap

It is time to relieve myself by releasing the bad ideas from my brain... but also my heart, bros. Here are a few of the bad ideas that came to me today by divine insolpulation. Eating a lot of jello before a pillow fight. Inventing a form of cleansing one's soul without using hands or tater stamps. Not using really fun toilet paper after deficating. Pronouncing words oddly. Going to the gym to contemplate the philosophy of Freedom. Eating a taco without meat after reading an interesting book. Daring Satan to fight like a man next time. Putting on a loud music track while blanching summer sweet corn. Building a beaver trap out of plastic spoons and not warning my brothers. E-mailing the neighbors about propper waste management and shutting down the Hug Factory. Jiggling the metaphoric handle on the toilet of life. Greasing up a turtle without a legal contract. Sending pics of my new shoes to a rude gardener who doesn't appreciate shit. Painting all the buttons on my shirts and pants before proving the existence of God. Cutting all the wires except the green one which would have prevented my elbows from being dislocated. Running away from a giant black bird without documentation. Participating in luxory programs and ditching my shuffleboard commitments. Complimenting the Lord on the glorious lizard fight I witnessed. And finally... not rescuing my friends from the robots of the future and whispering doubt into their earballs.


iTouched

No Way Julio

Today's blog is cancelled due to the economy. And because I am playing The Settlers of Catan.


iTouched

Which is Less Awesome

Who lives in a cucumber under the lake? Loofah Robert Rectangle Britches!!!

or

Adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises, adolescent deformed karate tortoises.... champions in a 50% protective layer, TORTOISE MIGHT!!!

The Charges Were Dropped!

that's right... ALL charges were dropped. I am so pleased to announce that every single charge that I incurred last month was dropped like a slippery baby. public nudity while intoxicated on a suspended fishing license; dropped. engaging in suspicious activity and selling harvested organs without a propper permit; dropped. kicking a cop in the love stones without a warning; dropped. taking out my illegal weapon and discharging it into a sleeping person; dropped. flinging a potato into the river after stealing it from a produce tent after urinating on the whole stack of potatoes after robbing a convenience store; dropped. and finally, yearning to modify an electronic traffic sign without adequate creative insight; dropped.

iTouched

14 Steps to Get Rich Quick!

Step 1: Steal ALL your boss's underwear.
Step 2: Embroider "Bat Cave" on back of EVERY pair.
Step 3: VERY IMPORTANT: Return ALL underwear to boss.
Step 4: Buy a mini Batman costume.
Step 5: Bake cupcakes
Step 5: Dress up your wiener with Batman costume.
Step 6: Take a picture with your naked testicles on the cupcakes.
Step 7: Give cupcakes to boss.
Step 8: Call police.
Step 9: After boss eats all of the cupcakes, reveal picture of testicles in cupcakes.
Step 10: Get ass kicked. (Wait for police)
Step 11: After police arrive, explain to them how your enemy threatened to fire you if you didn't "dip Batman in frosting and put in Bat Cave". Explain how much you needed this job. Explain how you just couldn't go through with it and your boss beat the shit out of you.
Step 12: Drop pants and show proof.
Step 13: When boss denies story, convince police to have boss drop pants.
Step 14: Collect money.

I didn't know that!

Here are a few fun facts that I didn't know... but now I do know... and so will you:

Each year 2 million Americans become robots, but nearly 66% of these new robots can not eat metal, shoot lasers out of their eyes, or even reassemble themselves after a nuclear disaster.

Plants such as Guerrilla Corn, Tree-taters, Ruby Plum-tards, and Huckle-Bob-berry t'maiters, are genetically programmed to poison you if you insult NASCAR, inbreeding, or alcohol abuse problems.

Dogs are twice as likely to eat your brains when they are zombies as opposed to when they are just regular dogs who just so happen to enjoy eating brains.

Jesse Crust, the Sailor, is not myth. He is a metaphor.

In the year 2057 people will have more time to exercise but less time to free base... creating a huge conflict of interest.

Crazy coked-up zombie dogs are 3 times more likely to eat your brains than sleepy 3-legged zombie dogs.

Analogies are like trees... except they don't have branches, roots, or trunks made of wood... or leaves

A frying pan is the perfect tool for someone looking to collect several herbs and spices, smash a bird on the head, and fry up the bird's unborn children. But it is not the perfect tool for a blind person to powder your nuts with.

Zombie dogs who are experts in Persuasive Public Speaking Techniques and who have completed certification classes in Presentation Visuals are 4 times more likely to eat your brains then zombie dogs who specialize in Underwater Welding.

Lizards who have fur, big bushy ears, and rat tails are apparently called moles.

Bonus Fact: The Flavored Pickle rage of the 1980s was actually created on purpose... however the best-selling Flavored Pickle, Sweet Blueberry n' Tobasco Dill Explosion, actually tasted more like a piece of pickled horse shit.

Another Person Consumes the Dirt

This poem is actually a list. But this list is arranged in such a way that it provides the deepest satisfaction of brain hunger to the reader. You don't even need to prepare yourself, because it works better if you have no clue what you are about to read. Even as I write this introduction I do not own any previous knowledge of what I am about to write. I couldn't even tell you if this list contains profane language, species of birds, types of brined vegetables, or even Hall of Famers from the NFL. So with out any further ado, here is the list... of... words that will change your life and make you smarter... and help attack gingivitis... without any pain... or messy clean-up. Enjoy.

1. Reds
2. Sales Adventures: The Money Never Lies... or Talks for that Matter
3. Sofa King Cool
4. derelict
5. Watch Big Trouble in Little China then tell me you don't believe in God.
6. pickles
7. "Take it to the sky, you crazy doo doo! Take it to Jesus!"
8. I will never eat warm horse shit... after 9am
9. Where do jimmy jams come from?
10. ambi-what-now?
11. Attack Mode
12. "Tickle yourself you god damn gorilla!"
13. The Red-tailed Hawk, the Californian Condor and Sanchez.
14. "Gravy? That's not gravy, my friend. THAT is a fuckin' human being, man."
15. Keep on, keep on, keep on moving through the village of despair with your hands in the air.
16. ;)
17. Lynn Swan, Steve Largent, and eventually the great Andre Reed.
18. Never underestimate a black bear in heat.
19. Crumb Donuts.
20. ephervessantlessly
21. Bring in the anti-depressants and bring out the box of hand grenades.